That’s because, believe it or not, all of these phrases lack empathy. But it might surprise you to learn that none of these statements are in alignment with the tenets of verbal judo. At first glance, they sound kind, encouraging, and supportive. What would you do in that situation? What would you say to convince him not to end his life? Would you try to tell him that he has so much to live for? That life can’t be as bad as it feels right now? That things will get better? If these are the first suggestions that spring to your mind, don’t worry most people would opt for this route because they sound like the right things to say. You are worthy of my time and respect.” So, when you de-escalate the tension and communicate trust and respect, you’re also setting the tone for positive communication practices in the future.
By contrast, when you calmly explain the issue, you’re conveying, “I see you. Statements like “You won’t understand,” or “Rules are rules” incite tension because the insult the other person’s intelligence and disrespect them from the get-go. For starters, you’ll successfully de-escalate the tension in your conversation with your daughter.
I believe school and your health are important and if you don’t get enough sleep, you’ll sacrifice both your grades and your mental and physical health.” It might take a little more time and emotional involvement, but it offers a variety of benefits in return. And even if the party is perfectly safe, I think it’s unwise for you to stay out late on a school night because you will be tired and grumpy the next day. Rather than saying, “Because I said so,” explain, “Because I don’t think it’s safe for you to go to a party where there is no adult supervision and likely underage drinking.
So instead, try practicing verbal judo by taking a little extra time to connect with your daughter and explain the problem.
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